I am just miserable tonight!!! Tonight DH and I went to my parents for dinner and I was horribly miserable and snappy- I feel bad for those around me! Us trying for a baby came up, and my sister really pissed me off... she said that this is Gods way of saying its not our time, and we prob don't even really need the meds, that it will just happen one day. She said we shouldn't spend any money trying for kids, it will just happen! It took all I had to not freak out on her!!

On the way home I lost it with DH, I let it all out, how much I want to be pregnant, how much I hate the HPT's, OPK's, charting, everything! I told him he just doesn't get it, its not his fault we are going through this, its mine! Poor guy didn't know what to do or say, as soon as we got home he just pulled me into a tight hug and said it would all be ok!

I am going to try and relax and enjoy some seasons premiers on TV tonight... I really want to blank out and not think about anything tonight!!

BLAH... that is exactly how I feel today!! I am so emotional and feeling pretty down today! I was supposed to get together with some people to make t-shirts for Oktoberfest, but the person organizing with me didn't feel like doing it today- I kinda got fed up with all the rescheduling and just said forget it to the shirts! I feel really bad, but I am always the one who has to organize and ensure things happen- ALWAYS! No one seems to appreciate it, and I am getting fed up with it! I try to do good things and nice things for others, but you can only do it for so long before you start to feel like people just expect these things- and when you don't do them, they actually get upset! Anyways- I am just going to stop worrying so much about others and start putting myself first for awhile!

I am really lucky to have my best friend, she is wonderful... I know she doesn't understand everything I am going through with IF, but she really tries and she is always willing to listen! She knows how upset I have been getting and how shitty I have been feeling- and today when I was venting on the phone to her she said she was on her way over with a sappy movie and we were going to watch it together this afternoon! Its just what I needed!

I am now 10 DPO and I was feeling so many symptoms- and my temps are looking great! I broke down and used one of my target cheapies, but got a BFN... I am really trying not to loose hope... I didn't test first thing, I had already been to the bathroom 2 times- and its early, and it was a cheapy! I am really praying hard this month- I don't know how much more I can take!!

I hope anyone reading has a great day, and please cross your fingers that it was too early to test!

I hate the 2ww

I officially hate the 2ww... they are the worst 2 weeks of the whole cycle... considering every little thing a symptom, watching what I eat and drink, watching my temps- waiting for a dip, looking at my CM for any sight of bleeding... I am going crazy!!

I don't know how many times I have googled "symptoms 3 DPO", "4 DPO", "5 DPO".... I think I will seriously put my self in the loony bin!

I am 6 DPO now and if I were to talk about my "symptoms" they are: Very sore bb's, very tired, increased trips to the potty, high temps, headaches, bad skin breakout... and I think thats it! I don't know if any of those are in fact symptoms, but my mind wanders during these 2 weeks!! I am also not sure when I should test... fertilityfriend says on the 6th... I am going Oktoberfesting on the 5th and don't plan on drinking, but I suppose I could test that morning (15 DPO) and drink if its a BFN to cheer myself up after that bad news? I hope its a BFP though!!

I have also found myself comparing charts on fertilityfriend.com - I am sad and pathetic, lol. Speaking of fertilityfriend, I had never ventured onto their community boards before, but today I did and I discovered a group of ladies who all O'd on the same day. They all post their "symptoms" to compare- it fits right in with me over analyzing everything- I can do it with back up now, lol.

Well I have to run, my best friend is coming over for dinner, which I burned and am now making a new meal!

I hope anyone reading has a great day, and if you feel like it, indulge me on any 2ww symptoms you have heard of for people who actually get a BFP at the end!

I don't have too much to say, I just haven't written in a week! Its been a busy week at work and I have been very emotional this week! DH and I refinished our bedroom- new paint, new dressers and an awesome dressing table!!

Good News... I got 2 days of positve OPK's- Thursday and Friday! DH was feeling horrible Thursday so we didn't do any BD'ing- but we did last night and we will again tonight!

The other reason we didn't do anything Thursday night was that we were babysitting my little cousin- he is 7 months old and soo cute! We had him from 4pm Thursday until 8pm Friday... it was really nice! Although he is teething so he was crying a lot!!

I had a pretty good week and I am ready to start the 2ww... I am really hoping and praying this is it and this month will be our BFP month!!

I went to see DH's cousins baby... he is adorable! He had low blood sugar, but other than that he is healthy!! They are truly lucky for this as they had no doctors care through the whole pregnancy! Visiting them in the hospital was rough, she is so young and I don't think she has any idea what she is getting into... they are blessed to have the supportive family they do! Her parents are feeling so guilty that she didn't come to them sooner- they shouldn't- they are wonderful and she hid it well!

This weekend was nice- I went away Friday night to visit a close friend- she recently moved 3hrs away and her fiance is away on training- we had a nice visit and it was great to catch up! Saturday and today DH and I worked on our bedroom... since we spend a lot of time in there we thought we should dress it up a little- it had mismatched furniture and painters white walls. It now has dark chocolate brown walls, new dressers and a dressing table and a nice crisp white duvet cover... or at least it will once its all assembled- we plan to finish it tomorrow night!

I took my last Clomid pill on Friday- I must say, it wasn't as bad as I was expecting- I didn't have too many side effects!! I had hot flashes- correction, I STILL am getting hot flashes- they are brutal! But other than that just a headache one day and some slight bloating! I am not sure if I will get more bloated closer to ovulation or if I should expect and others, but if this is it- I can handle that!!

I am now waiting to O, charting my temps and using the ovulation strips... speaking of those strips- they drive me mad- I hate analyzing them- is it dark enough, is it darker than the test line, lighter? I wish it would just say YES or NO!! Oh well!

Wow!!

WOW... that is all I can say!! My MIL just called me and told me her 16 year old niece is in the hospital... In labour.... No one even knew she was pregnant... she only told her parents because she was having contractions! DH and I saw her a few weeks ago and I told him she looked pregnant, but then we thought no way... she just gained weight! I can't believe this! We don't know if its healthy, if she received any prenatal care, the sex... nothing- I guess we will find out in a few hours when she delivers! I can't help but feel horrible for her mother, she is such a nice woman- and she must feel so horrible now- I can't believe this.

I broke down to DH after I hung up with my MIL... how come a 16 year old high school student can get pregnant so easy and I have to go through all of this!!

I am still in shock!!

Started Clomid today

I got the call from my Dr about 10am this morning telling me that beta was negative and to start the Clomid. I took my first dose (100mg) this morning... I feel bloated this afternoon, but that could just be from lunch and all the water I have been drinking!!

Like I have mentioned before I am scared to do this, scared of what the side effects will be, but mostly scared that it wont work! I am so scared that we will have to do more than the Clomid, and I am really scared that nothing will work!

I want nothing more than to be a mom.. it seems like everyone around me is getting pregnant... people keep saying its contagious, its in the water... I stick close and don't catch it, I drink the water, and it doesn't work!!

I am having a bad day, I am grouchy and I am tired!! I want today to be over, I don't want to play ball tonight and have to be happy and cheery... I want my bed!! I really just want this all to be over, I want to be a mom!!

BLAH!!!

Next Steps...

I just got back from my appointment, it was scheduled for 10:50, but she had a delivery and I waiting an hour and a bit in her waiting room with a bunch of pregnant women!! When I finally got in she looked at my charts and notes and said that I didn't have enough lining to start a period, which is why the Prometrium didn't work! She sent me for a Beta to be 100% that I am not pregnant (she is 99% sure I am not) and she decided to start me off on 100mg of Clomid right away, skip trying at 50mg. They will call me Monday morning to confirm I am not pregnant and then I will take my first pill.

I am a little nervous to start the Clomid, more so now that I am starting at 100mg! I read about all of the nasty side effects from the girls on the nest... I really hope they are not too bad!

If any of you have taken it how soon do they start? Are they really that bad??

Have a lovely day everyone!!

So it has been 16 days since I took my last Prometrium pill and still no AF... I called my doctor on Tuesday and she said to call back if I didn't get it by today... I called back today and she wants me to come in tomorrow to discuss it and the next steps... I have no idea what the next steps are... but I guess we will see tomorrow!!

This week is dragging by!! I am so tired... I almost fell asleep driving home last night, normally the hour commute doesn't bother me, but I was struggling last night!! I can't wait for the weekend! Since I have been so tired lately I haven't been doing much at night, I have been nesting and reading blogs online... I am really enjoying reading other people's blogs- the give me an insight in to how other people deal with things and handle the ups and downs! I hope people reading my blog find it helps them a little as everyone elses help me!

Small Town, Big Fair!

This weekend was really nice, and busy!! We live in a small town in southern Ontario and there is a BIG fair in town this weekend! I went on Friday with my mom, aunts and little cousins, one of which is my God Daughter, we went on some kiddie rides, played games and ate cotton candy! After that everyone came back to our place for some dinner, drinks and fun! I had a great time!

On Saturday DH and I decided to stay in and relax just the two of us! We got bored just hanging out and watching TV so we went into the city, about 10 minutes from us, and went to the mall to get a game- We ended up wandering into the baby section at Sears and pretended we were shopping for a nursery- we picked out cribs, strollers, car seats and playards- it was kinda fun! DH held my hand pretty tight as we walked away and said he knew it would happen soon! It was so sweet of him- he is the best! I can tell this whole process is started to get to him too- I see how good he is with my little cousins, they absolutely love him and he is fantastic with them!!

Well I am off to the fair again... we are going with my Grandparents today, The Wilkinson's are performing at the fair today- it should be fun- DH and I are going now to hold some seats in the grand stand!! I can't wait to indulge in a caramel apple today, mmmm!!!

Have a great day, and enjoy the holiday tomorrow!!

DH got a new Job!!!

Good News!!! My DH got a new job, which is definitely a blessing! He switched jobs a few months ago, leaving his uncles garage... he thought he needed a change and switched to repairing fork lifts... well he hated it... the place was a little sketchy and the hours were not guaranteed as he had been told! Well... DH was off sick last Thursday and was browsing through the job ads on the Internet... he came across a place 10 minutes from our house... he was feeling better in the afternoon and decided to drive his resume over. The manager interviewed him on the spot and then offered him the job... more money, health benefits, and more! DH called me when he got home, we talked about it, and he called the guy back and accepted it! He quit his current job the next day, the guy didn't want any notice- so DH starts the new job on Wednesday! I am so happy for him... and selfishly for me too- this job and pay increase will make things much easier on us once we get pregnant and I am on maternity leave!