Sad :(

Today I am just sad... lately I have had more and more days like this, and I hate it! Its like I am in a funk and can't get out of it! My eyes are constantly burning with tears behind them and I cry everynight in the shower... I hate it! and I hate putting up a front so people think I am happy and strong... I am not happy or strong... I am miserable and scared, emotional and tired... so tired of all of this!! I can't concentrate at work and my mind constantly wanders!

At acupuncture last night I was trying to visualize, as I have been taught, and I couldn't do it... this has been happening more and more lately... I am scared... I can't picture myself pregnant or having a baby. Everyone around me seems to be able to picture it and they all seem so confident.

I am trying to keep busy, running errands, seeing friends, volunteering, babysitting.. anything... as soon as I stop or start to think too much I get upset! I can't sleep, I am not hungry, I am not happy :(

I hope I get out of this funk soon... I have to!

No idea whats going on!

Its been a few days since I last blogged, nothing new has really happened! I have NO idea if I actually O'd and/or when... I have had positive OPK's and other symptoms at 2 different times... so no idea... I don't even know when to go in for my P4 this month.... it is so confusing! I am going to call my doctor and fax over a copy of my chart and see what she says...

I am getting really sick of planning my life in 2 week increments... I feel like I can't commit to doing things far in advance because I might be O'ing then, or might need to be going to my doctors for an ultrasound or for a P4... it is so frustrating!!

I really think if this doesn't happen by May I am going to need to take a few months off and just relax... not have to chart daily, not use OPK's, no blood tests or ultrasounds, no 2ww... It's been way too long doing all those things with no break...


On another topic... one of my very best friends is getting married this weekend!! I haven't been this excited about going to a wedding since my own!! I am so excited for her and can't wait to see her get married!!!

Update from Next Steps appt...

I went to my "next steps" appointment today, it went well! My doctor has decided to up my Clomid to 150mg as I wasn't responding to the last dose as well as she would like to see. She did warn me that my side effects will get worse and that the chance of cysts increases... as does the chance of multiples!! I also asked about the metformin and the side effects and I mentioned the pharmacist recommended an extended release pill... she happily switched me to that! She was also really pleased with my weight loss- 17lbs since December!!

I am going to do the 150mg for the next 3 cycles, monitored by my 7dpo P4 levels (progesterone levels 7 days post ovulation). I asked what comes next ifthe next 3 cycles don't work... she said we will meet again May 5th and then take a break cycle followed by some "Non OHIP" options- which means IUI... eeek! We have to save some serious money for that- not a penny is covered by mine or DH's insurance... and I am not sure if the appointments, ultrasounds and blood work for it are covered either... we are looking at about $1000 a month for that.

Well I am off to bake some cookies... :)

Next Steps...

I have an appointment tomorrow at 1pm to talk about "next steps" if this cycle of clomid doesn't work! I am really nervous to see what they are... I have a feeling she is going to tell me I have to switch to an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist)... and there are not too many around here. This is going to mean more monitoring and more tests... ugh!! I don't know what will come next... will it be injectables? IUI? I guess I will find out tomorrow!

I am starting acupuncture again today... so excited!! I miss how it made me feel, so relaxed!! It is at a new place, so I will update in my next entry how it went!

:) Wish me luck tomorrow :)

I think I O'd...

I didn't have a clear thermal shift like I normally do... but fertility friend says I O'd 3 days ago... for any experienced charters please take a look at my chart and let me know what you think....

Happy Wednesday :)

A Letter to my Sisters

Someone posted this on the nest and it really hit home, I wanted to share it with any readers who are going through the same thing!


Infertility is like a party- a big, year or two long party that no one really wants to go to. In fact, it is a pretty lousy party, not much fun at all. But by the time you get the invitation, you are already there. Perhaps it is your doctor that gives you the invitation, or a specialist, or perhaps just plain old time that gives you the nudge that this is one party you won’t be missing.So we all show up at this party kicking and screaming. But since this party is held in our honor, we wipe our tears and look around the room. We see our mothers, our aunts, our sisters, and the lady down the street. The check-out lady is there, and so is the attorney, the school principal, and the taxi driver’s wife. When we see them at first we are surprised- “I didn’t know you were invited too…” we say. But when we start to talk with them and learn their stories we know instantly we are sisters, and that their grief is our own, and that we aren’t quite so alone.This party is filled with sisters. My mother and perhaps yours too, was at this party once. So were many friends of mine. I am always humbled by seeing how many sisters I have here. Even as sisters leave, new ones come to take their place. I spent a long, long time there before it was my turn to leave. You too will leave this party someday.There are parting gifts at this party, but most of us are so glad to leave when our time is up that we just throw them in our purse and forget they are there. Then one day, while we are looking for something else, we dig out a little box. Oh yes, our gift. We were looking for what to say to a sick friend, or perhaps how to handle some adversity that came our way and we found this little box in the bottom of our bag. We open it slowly, and there inside we find it. Endurance. Strength. Compassion. We were strong, and once walked through the fire she has made us stronger still. We have endured what would have once broken our hearts, devastated us, and come through with a strength that will not easily be silenced. And compassion. Our hearts have grown and now we can, without judgment, embrace each other in ways we couldn’t before. We know the true meaning of kindness, and the value of compassion. We see humanity, for all it’s sadness and all it’s emptiness, and we can’t do anything but wrap our arms around her in a warm, full embrace. We understand each other’s sorrow, and we share our strength.And so My Sister, stay strong. I understand how hard some days are, and I know how deeply you want this to end. Please know that it will, and that you do have the strength to endure this. You will. You will move forward because you desire this more than anything in your life. You will conceive, or you will adopt, or you will foster children. You will someday leave this place, this party in your honor, but you will remain a Sister forever.

Side Effects...

Yesterday I had a kind of freaky side effect, I was seeing white spots in my eyes... I couldn't focus on things at all. It went away after an hour or so, I laid down with my eyes closed. But it really freaked me out a bit. I have an appointment Thursday with my dr... so I will mention it then. If it was still happening today I would have called, but it seems to have stopped. All I have today is slight cramping, nausea, and hot flashes... not too bad! Maybe they are O pains?? I got a positive OPK yesterday, so I am hoping I O today or tomorrow. My temp went up a bit this morning, but nothing big, I think that was just due to lack of sleep- I woke up quite a few times last night!

Also,on a positive note,I weighed myself this morning... and I am down 3 more pounds... thats a total of 17lbs now!!! Wooo Hooo!! I feel really great, and I am starting to not hate my body so much!! I am eating better, much better, cutting out most junk and taking the metformin... I am really happy about the weight loss!!!

Holy Hot Flashes!!

I am absolutely dying today... the Clomid hot flashes have never EVER been this bad!! I am literally turning red and sweating... nothing helps... I am dying to get out of the office and be outside for a few minutes!! I have seriously had at least 5 really bad hot flashes every hour... They are getting so bad they are making me nauseous and get sick... its brutal!

They have also been really bad at night- i wake up in a sweat and can't fall back asleep!!

I am really hating the clomid...

Still no O... but patiently waiting!

Last night I went over to my aunts house to watch my 3 little cousins for a few hours... these children are the most adorable kids around-cute, smart and so full of love! Once I put the older 2 girls to bed and finished reading multiple stories I went downstairs with the baby... as soon as I sat down on the couch he curled up on my chest, smiled at me, and fell asleep... he remained in this same position for 2 hours... it was so amazing and sweet... after a little while I started to think and then slowly started to cry... What if I never have this... what if it is never my turn?? When my aunt and uncle arrived home we sat and talked about how amazing the kids are and they were telling me they didn't think they could love anyone as much as they do their kids- I can't wait to feel that... I already have so much love for a baby we don't even have yet! When I got in my car to leave and pulled off their street I started to cry again... I was so full of emotion and so scared. These are the nights that I wouldn't get through if it wasn't for my closest friends and my husband... thank you!

I knew that there were changes coming to the health benefits at work and I was hoping and praying that they would start to include fertility stuff... well I just got the email... and... They have extended the contraceptive coverage- to include just about any way you can think of to PREVENT pregnancy... but they haven't touched helping you get pregnant... this makes me sooo mad!!!

The only good change is that they have now increased the paramedical coverage to include acupuncture... I had stopped back in the summer because of the cost, and the horrible lady who did my acupuncture... i might look into it again, with a doctor that supports acupuncture in conjunction with western medicine.

I am finally home from the UK... the trip was good... but it was a bad week to go!! Some advice to other clomid users- do not fly when on clomid- I had more brutal hot flashes than normal and I was sooo grouchy... to top it off I hardly slept at all this past week!

Now I am home, on the couch, and feeling so horrible! I have a headcold, an upset stomach and I am so far beyond tired that I keep crying...

I didn't chart while I was away this week and I took my last Clomid pill this morning... I will start temping again in the morning and will start with the OPK's on Saturday :)

I don't know how much more I can handle the Clomid... I am really loosing it this month. The jet lag can't be helping the emotions... but I know it is mostly the stupid clomid... I have heard people refer to them as the "Clomid Crazies" and I totally get it! Not only am I emotional, but the metformin is really making me sick again... it seemed to stop for a bit... but this past week it is back BIG TIME! I am aslo getting wicked hot flashes... they are worse than ever!! If I don't get some positive results and my Dr says to continue with the Clomid I am really considering taking a break month... but i don't know!!!

I am so emotional and keep getting all teary... Thank God for some amazing friends and my wonderful DH for keeping me smiling... I love you guys!! I couldn't get through any of this without you guys.... you mean the world to me!! Ah... now I am all teary again, lol.

Here we go again...

I started Clomid again this morning... I believe I this will be my last, or second last cycle on it if its not successful... I am meeting with my doctor at the end of January to look at more invasive options if it doesn't work!

I am sitting in the airport now waiting to board- I am heading to the UK until Thursday for work... this should be an interesting flight... I am crampy, tired, AF is here and I woke up with a cold- runny nose, coughing, sneezing and achy... Not looking forward to this!!! I just hope I don't get any hot flashes on the plane- I turn all red and sweaty when I get them- and they last ALL month now- and get really bad at the start of my cycle...

Have a great day!

AF arrived... no need for a beta tomorrow. I will start Clomid on Sunday :(

Doctors office just called... my progesterone level at 9DPO was 50!! That's great!! I have got a few BFN's so far and still no AF... so my doctor wants me to in for a quantitative beta Friday if I don't get AF by then- its unlikely it will be positive... but we need to make sure!

New Year... New Start!!

I have made a few important new years resolutions this year... I am going to stop letting what people say and do bother me... I am going to stop listening or caring when people bug us about when we are going to have kids! I am going to try hard not to get upset every time i see a pregnant person or hear that someone else is pregnant!! I am also going to stop watching a baby story and all shows like it... why torture myself!

This is going to be my year... I am going to stay positive and be happy!! I have so much to be thankful for, I just need to remind myself of that! I have the most wonderful friends and family a girl could ask for... I have friends that will listen to me complain and cry about everything and they are so supportive - I am going to try hard not to do that so much- I will be strong this year!!