Happy Shitty New Year to me!! I am so over 2007....

I tested this morning with hopes of surprising DH with the good news at midnight... but instead- I got a BFN... on a saveontests and First Response test...

DH went out to get me a greasy lunch and then I am going to get ready to go out tonight... I am going to drink tonight and try my best to have fun. I will wait for AF to come, start the clomid, and pray that 2008 gets off to a good start!

Happy New Year everyone... thanks for reading!

I am lying on the couch feeling extremely lazy and sad today... but I need to get out of my house- or I am going to sit here and think... I am going to over analyze every symptom or non symptom I have, and I am going to stress over testing tomorrow or Tuesday and seeing a BFN. I cheated and tested early a few days ago, but I knew it was too early- and I got a very clear BFN.

I found out recently that a friend is pregnant after trying for one month... I am happy for her, but am hurting so bad at the same time... why couldn't that be me... why do I have to go through all this shit every month and have each one end with a BFN... when will it happen for me?

I am going to shower and figure out something to do today!

Christmas is over... almost! We have one more dinner tonight with my dad's family- but its smaller than the others. I got through it ok... It was rough, and I was pretty quiet Christmas Eve and Day... it didn't help that my stomach keep getting upset and I was extremely, abnormally tired... I would then lie down to relax for a bit, I would start thinking, and then get emotional.

There were so many baby comments I couldn't believe it... our families know about our situation and it still doesn't stop them... On Christmas eve I was holding a cousins baby and everyone was asking when I would be holding my own, and then FIL was holding the baby and he made his way over to me and kept saying how good holding a baby looked on him and he wants to be holding a Grandchild soon! And then at midnight mass I saw some teachers from my high school and they were asking me when I was going to get pregnant. This all just adds to the comment that I got Saturday when someone said "Oh wow, Your expecting".... and when i asked expecting what she said "Aren't you pregnant".... I couldn't believe it- I was so embarrassed and close to tears- I wasn't even wearing a shirt that could make me look pregnant- I had a fitted cute sweater on!

I am lying on the couch this morning with a stomach ache and have some how come down with a cold overnight... I am also feeling nauseous and don't want to eat....I think I will be one of the few people who will loose weight over the holidays this year!!

I am glad Christmas is over for the most part... just want New Years to be over and to start 2008... with hopes that it is much better than 2007!!

Officially in the 2ww!

I am very happy that I O'd on CD 17 as opposed to CD 50!! I am supposed to go in for my progesterone test on Christmas Day, but I am not sure if any labs will be open, I might have to go on boxing day.

I don't know why, but I don't have a good feeling about this cycle... and I have a feeling its going to be a bad start to 2008 :(

2 Lines on an OPK last night!! woo hoo!! This morning I also had elevated an elevated temp!! Woo Hoo!! I am not sure when I should go in for my P4 test... 7 DPO would be boxing day- but I am assuming no labs will be open that day?? I will call my doctors in the morning- they are already closed for today!!

I am also having odd pains in my lower abdomen today- twingey pains on the right side and a dull ache across the whole thing... I asked some girls on the nest what Ovulation pains felt like- and this is pretty much how they described them... they said they feel it more when it is more than one egg releasing... so that could be why I am feeling it more this month than before- who knows!!

So yesterday was weigh in day, I am trying to only weigh myself once a week... I am down 10lbs in 3 weeks!! I have been eating MUCH better and I feel better for it! I must attribute some of the loss to the metformin... it is forcing me to eat better- I feel like crap when I eat crap... but feel great when I am eating whole grains, fruit and proteins!! I have started drinking lots of Pomegranate Blueberry Juice... apparently the antioxidants will help with everything!! I am also wearing pants today that didn't fit a month ago... wooo hoo!!

Last night I watched my baby cousin for a few hours- he is adorable and so good!! I loved spending time with him... but when it was time for me to drop him back off with his mom I was sad and had a little cry to a sappy song on my way home!

I must say though... I am truly blessed to have such wonderful and supportive friends and such a great husband... I couldn't get through it without you guys... thank you... I don't say it enough!!

Still no O... I really hope it happens before I go away in January!

Back to work now- very busy, stressful week!!

Still no O... but a very nice weekend!!

A lady on the nest posted this song today, it made me cry... I thought I would share it! Click here to hear the song

It has been a bad week!!! I have slipped and fallen 3 times on the ice, got stuck going up 2 hills and visited 3 ditches!! BRUTAL... on top of that work has been nuts and I have been working late almost everyday! But I am off tomorrow and leaving here at 3 today, I am heading to Buffalo to go Christmas shopping with some coworkers, we are spending the night and plan on consuming a decent amount of alcohol tonight!!

I am now on CD 12 and am hoping I O earlier than I did last month... the side effects of the Clomid are pretty bad this month, similar to the first month... so I am taking that as a good sign, hopefully I will O soon and strong!! If I do, I will be testing right in the middle of the holidays... that could be really good, or really bad!

I opened my blog up to some friends IRL... for any of you reading, Thank you- It really means alot!

Happy Thursday!!

I finished my next cycle of Clomid on Saturday and I am really feeling the side effects this month! I am having some horrible hot flashes and feeling really nauseous. I don't have much of an appetite either, which is so odd for me!

I really can't wait for 2007 to be over... I can honestly say it has been the worst year ever! DH and I really thought that when we decided to start actively trying for a baby that it wouldn't be a problem... I thought the irregular periods were just me adjusting to being off the pill and that once we started charting and timing things it would happen right away... How naive! 2007 was a year of bad news and disappointment... being diagnosed with PCOS was just the start...
I don't know what 2008 will bring, but I pray with all my heart and everything I've got that it will bring us a baby... I can't even think about that not happening... I just don't know what I would do... tears are in my eyes right now...

I read something similar to what I have below, and decided to write my own based on it...

I want to be a mom. But I can't. Instead, I'm a mom wannabe. I want to procreate. I want to conceive a child naturally with my husband, in the privacy of our home, with love and passion. But I can't. Instead, I take horrible meds that make fat, bloated, over heated, and nauseous- I get massive cysts that burst and swollen ovaries! I want to have sore breasts and be totally exhausted, then discover that my period is several days late. I want to buy a pregnancy test and pee on a stick. I want to see a second line. I want to cry tears of joy for the news we'd discover. I want to surprise my husband with the news that he is going to be a daddy. I want to see the look on his face. But I can't. Instead, I cry tears of pain every month when it doesn't happen and I cry to my husband, "Why??" and I apologize for being defective, because he is fine. I want to experience morning sickness. I want my hormones to go haywire because I am pregnant not because of all the meds I am on. I want the 'pregnant glow.' I want to have my husband talk to my belly. But I can't. I want to eat for two. I want to schedule my first doctor's visit. I want to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women and know that I am one of them. But I can't. Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever had problems conceiving and if they are taking that little miracle for granted. I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big bellies. I smile at babies that are not mine. I ache from loving someone I've never met. I want to hear the Doctor say, "You're pregnant. Your progress is right on schedule." But I can't. Instead, I hear my well-meaning friends and family say "just relax." Wow! If I had known anxiety was an effective form of birth control, I'd have tried it years ago! I think I just might throw something next time someone tells me to relax. I wanted to surprise my parents with a new grandchild; instead I burdened them with the news that we are having problems conceiving. I want my life to change overnight. I want to read What to Expect When You're Expecting. But I can't. Instead, I read When Empty Arms Leave a Heavy Burden. I want to wear maternity clothes and rub my belly. I don’t want to have to use an elastic to loosen my pants because I am so bloated it hurts! I don’t want to put on 25lbs because of all the meds. I want to monitor the progress. I want to see the ultrasounds. I want to hear the heartbeat. I want stretch marks. I want to watch our baby grow. I want to feel the kicks. I want to be measured. But I can't. Instead, I give hundreds of vials of blood, get poked and prodded and have extremely painful tests. I pray for my eggs to grow and pray they fertilize. I take my temperature and try to interpret every little rise and dip, and how it compares with my temperature pattern last month. I examine every bodily secretion that comes out of my body, hoping and praying for spotting at just the right times, and no spotting at others. I take supplements, eat pineapple cores, pomegranates and blueberries. I wait. I pray. I wait for the one phone call that can make our life better. Or worse. I want to decorate the nursery. I want to childproof our home. I want to shop for adorable, soft, tiny outfits. I want to go to Gymboree. I want to save money for the baby's future. But I can't. Instead, I imagine a crib in the empty room down the hall. I avoid the baby stores in the mall and I spend all my money on fertility meds, ovulation predictor kits and pregnancy tests. I want to be the one to excuse myself to go nurse my baby. Instead, I'm the one stuck at the table with all the husbands. I want to use a car seat. I want to pump. I want to have my baby throw up all over me. I want to change dirty diapers. I want to give baths. I want to watch my husband hold our baby from across the room. But I can't. Instead, I watch him with our cousins and love the way he loves them, but get my heart broken each time I see it. I want to see him love OUR baby. I want to tell my friends about how my baby learned to roll over, or say da-da, or how he took his diaper off and threw it across the room. I want to buy my baby new shoes. But I can't. Instead, we will spend our money on doctor appointments, tests and high tech procedures. We will spend our money on a dream. We may be left with an empty bank account. We may be left with empty arms. I want to share the experience with my pregnant friends. I want to compare symptoms. I want to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. But I can't. Instead, I watch my friends get pregnant quickly. I watch their bellies grow, attend and throw their showers, see their pictures and try to be a good friend. I watch their lives change and our friendships change in front of my eyes. I want my belly to drop. I want my water to break. I want contractions. I want my husband by my side and my family in the waiting room. I want the pushing. I want the pain. I want to hear the cry. But I can't. Instead, I feel a different pain. I hear my own cry. I want to hold our baby in my arms, with tears of joy streaming down our faces. I want the nurses to take a picture of us when our baby is only minutes old. I want to experience the miracle of birth, thinking, "We did it!". But I can't. Instead, I hold my husband in my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our faces and wonder what God's plan is for us and why we have to go through this. I want to pray that one extra special blessing be added to my life. And I do. I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer to God and hope that this time He answers. I pray that someday soon, He will give it to us. I want to be a mom. --- But I can't. Instead, I praying for a change in status from a mom wannabe . . . to the mom I want to be.

Cycle Day 1... I am starting a new cycle and I am praying it will be shorter than the last- 55 days is way too long! I will start Clomid again on Dec 4th and will continue with the metformin! I don't know if I can handle a BFN around Christmas or New Years... it would be devastating! I am praying long and hard that this cycle will be our miracle!

11DPO- cramps and spotting :(