Baby Hopes

Big News and New Blog

2008-04-28T15:18:00.003-04:00

I am pregnant!! I wrote on here I had to take a break because I wasn't ready for some people IRL who read my blog to know yet... but I believe all of them know now! I put the whole story of my very surprising BFP in the new blog.

My new blog address is: http://ssfreitas.blogspot.com/

Taking A Break

2008-04-12T18:15:00.001-04:00

So... after everything we have been through lately... and the surgery coming up June 3rd... we have decided to take a break until then!

No temping, no clomid, no TI... Just taking a break!

I wont be updating my blog until after that :)

Thanks everyone for your support!

No idea whats going on...

2008-04-09T21:00:00.002-04:00

I posted earlier saying I was sure it was AF... now I am not sure at all... this is nothing like AF normally is... its almost black... its brutal. The cramping went away for a bit this afternoon and evening with the help of some Tylenol and aspirin... but it is back tonight- bad... I hate it!

So basically I just have no idea what is going on... the more I read online and talk to people it seems like this is an early miscarriage, and the levels might have been too low to pick up on my 7 DPO blood test... but I will never really know...

No idea... sad and confused!

I do want to send a thank you out to all of my close friends and family... as well as my TTTC sister- you guys are amazing- thank you for cheering me up and being so supportive! You all make me feel better in different ways- and it means the world to me! People keep saying I am a strong person to go through this... but I am not, its all of you who are here to support me that let me get through each day and still enjoy life!! Thank you!!

Bad and Good...

2008-04-09T13:22:00.003-04:00

So I am still crampy and bleeding... and my temps are down... I think its AF early. We are not going to do meds this month, just wait for my doctor to call and book the surgery.

On a happier note... My aunt sent my flowers to work today with a card that said "Thinking of you, keep up the faith that one day it will happen"... so sweet of her... it made my day... and made me cry. I am really lucky to have such a great family... we are all close, but I am especially close with of few of my aunts!!

Here is a pic of them:

Horrible Horrible day...

2008-04-08T17:47:00.003-04:00

I don't know what to do or say...

The day started off good... until my doctors office called and said that they got my 7DPO bw back and my levels were really low (she didn't give me a number), they said that doing another round of Clomid is unlikely to be successful. They want me to have an Ovarian Drilling surgery, within a month. I looked up what the surgery entails and here is what I found:

- Ovarian drilling is a surgery that can trigger ovulation in women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). Electrocautery or a laser is used to destroy parts of the ovaries. This surgery is not commonly used. But it can be an option for women who are still not ovulating after losing weight and trying fertility medicines. Ovarian drilling is usually done through small incisions, with general anesthesia. The surgeon makes small incisions in the abdomen at the belly button. The surgeon then places a tube to inflate the abdomen with a small amount of carbon dioxide gas so that he or she can insert the viewing instrument (laparoscope) without damage to the internal organs. The surgeon looks through the laparoscope at the internal organs. Surgical instruments may be inserted through the same incision or other small incisions in the pelvic area.

- Ovarian drilling is sometimes used for women with PCOS who are still not ovulating after trying weight loss and fertility medicine. Destroying part of the ovaries has been reported to restore regular ovulation cycles.-Studies of women with PCOS have shown that ovarian drilling results in an 80% ovulation rate and a 50% pregnancy rate.

- Younger women and those with a body mass index in the normal range are most likely to benefit from laparoscopic ovarian drilling.

I am not crazy about the idea of surgery... but it sounds like it will increase our chances, so I am going to do it. My doctor is scheduling me for an appointment and we are booking the surgery asap.

(the next part may be TMI- if squeemish don't read)...

I was still feeling pretty crappy about the whole idea of surgery this afternoon... and I hadn't been feeling that well all day- I was feeling kinda crampy... well the cramping got worse and I went to the bathroom... only to discover I was bleeding... a fair amount. I called my doctor and she said it could be a few things... an early period, an early miscarriage, or sporadic bleeding... she said to keep my eye on it and if it last more than 5 days and gets heavier to call again... if it goes away after today then its prob just sporadic, unexplained bleeding.

A part of me wondered if it could have been implantation bleeding and cramping, but the nurse said that was unlikely as my beta yesterday didn't show anything... but that was at just 7DPO.

I have cried a lot today... I am beyond frustrated and tired of this shit... Why does it have to be this hard.

I also sometimes feel bad talking to people about it because I hate making people feel awkward and uncomfortable... and I know some people are, they just don't know what to say. I don't want them to say anything- I don't expect anything... just knowing they are there and will listen and be there for me is enough!

I have to run, I am a Girl Guide Troop leader and I am leading tonight's meeting... I will try to block out these cramps...

I will update when I know more....

I O'd... but there is not much hope for a BFP :(

2008-04-02T09:17:00.002-04:00

So I O'd on Monday... but DH was gone away all weekend, so the chances of any BFP's this month are pretty slim!! I am so sick of this... beyond sick of it... I need a break!! We will try Clomid one more time... for a total of 7 rounds of Clomid... WOW... 7 rounds!

I am feeling pretty overwhelmed and down this week... I am working crazy hours, worrying about money and people, stressing about all of this baby stuff, feeling sick from a cold I can't shake and I am TIRED!!! Feeling all of these things is making me crave comfort foods... I was bad on the weekend eating pizza a few times... and now all I want is carbs!! I was in such a rotten mood last night I got McDonalds... how horrible!!! and this morning all I want is a nice fresh donut from Tim Hortons to go with the coffee I am going to need in about an hour!! I need to stop myself... I was doing soo good!!

On another note, I started reading a new book called "A few good egg's" It's pretty good and so far I recommend it, I am about 100 pages in. It is written by 2 ladies who have been through infertility and they talk about things the way you would with your girlfriends over coffee... its not like all of the other technical books out there!!

It's my birthday!

2008-03-27T15:58:00.002-04:00

So today is my 27th birthday. As I have mentioned my goal/plan was to be pregnant or have a baby by now... but no luck. Instead I am waiting to, dealing with all the clomid and met side effects and fighting a massive cold on top of it. I haven't slept at all this week between coughing, nausea and some horrible hot flashes.

Aside from all of that my birthday has been pretty good... my coworkers decorated my cube, baked me cupcakes and took me out for lunch! I have received many phone calls, texts, emails, and facebook posts wishing me a happy birthday- its been nice! Tonight DH is taking me out for dinner and then shopping to get some new jeans (none of mine fit good due to my weight loss)... I am also going to shop before I meet him as my MIL, FIL, and 2 SIL's gave me some money to go shopping!

well cheers to another year.... and hoping this year will be MUCH better than last!

My Birthday...

2008-03-24T15:11:00.005-04:00

So it is my birthday later on this week... 27 on the 27th! In celebration of my champagne birthday DH threw me a little party at our house last Friday. It was so much fun and I was so happy that so many of my close friends made it out!

Here are a few of my fave pics from the night:

CD 12

2008-03-24T08:19:00.002-04:00

Well I am on cycle day 12 and these Clomid hot flashes are killing me! I was nauseous for the ENTIRE day yesterday and it kept getting worse with each hot flash... and they seemed to last forever. I tried to just ignore them and keep going because it was Easter and we were out visiting. We also went curling with my mom's family and even on the ice I was sweating! When I finally got home I took a bath and then did my hair... I thought I was going to pass out I felt so nauseous. I couldn't fall asleep for the life of me... I was hot and then cold, nauseous and dizzy... it was brutal. I think I maybe got 3 hours total... but very interrupted, I woke up at least once an hour.

DH checked the mail last night when we got home and there was a package for me... I had no idea what it was since I hadn't ordered anything online in awhile... It was from my Nestie TTTC Sister... she sent me a singing card and 2 packages of digital OPK's... so sweet of her and such a nice surprise- she is amazing- thanks again!

So far no O this month... not so patiently waiting... we are just doing TI with the Clomid again this month- I will have a 7DPO P4 test as well. If it doesn't work this month we will try one last cycle on Clomid and then its time to move on... but only after a break for the summer.

Day 3 on Clomid...

2008-03-17T10:53:00.001-04:00

So today is day 3 on Clomid... and the side effects have already started! Mostly just hot flashes and not being able to sleep without waking up 100 times! I have also been feeling really nauseous

Other than that I am hoping it will be a good week... It's my birthday party on Friday night- a lot of my friends are coming- I am very excited!! Saturday I am going to see Carrie Underwood... and then on Sunday it's Easter!!

I hope everyone has a good week :)

She's Here...

2008-03-13T09:59:00.002-04:00

AF arrived today :(

I am also starting my new prescription today... I asked my doctor awhile ago about switching from regular metformin to an extended release one, she hadn't heard of one, so she put me on avandia... I did some research on it and it doesn't seem right that I would take it for fertility and pregnant women can't take it. So I did some more research and spoke to my pharmacist- he gave me the name of the metformin extended release, I called my doctor- and she sent in a prescription for it... so I start 1000mg of Glumetza at supper tonight!

I will start Clomid again on Saturday- woo freaken hoo.

BFN :(

2008-03-12T08:44:00.003-04:00

I woke up this morning and my temp had dropped, I have cramps, I got a BFN and now I am just waiting for AF... I am sure it's just hours away!

THIS SUCKS!!!

New Job...

2008-03-10T16:57:00.001-04:00

In the midst of my horrible week I totally forgot to mention I was offered a new job at work... I applied for the position awhile ago, went through all the interviews... and it was offered to me last week. I am really excited about the new job, I think I will enjoy it MUCH more than the job I am currently doing. It is still in the same company and same department, just a much better job!!

Bad week got worse...

2008-03-10T12:59:00.002-04:00

So after my bad week last week I was hoping the weekend would be better!! Friday was good, 2 good friends came over and we had a great night! Then Saturday morning I went out with my sister and a friend to pick up her wedding dress... we were at a stop light and were rear ended by a lady driving at high speed... that turned the weekend horrible... My back and head were killing and my neck was sore. DH and I just stayed in Saturday night and relaxed. Sunday morning I woke up and could hardly move my neck... DH brought me to the hospital in town and the doctor said it was whiplash... PLUS, they made me pee in a cup, and they said I am not pregnant... that was at 11DPO. I guess its pretty much over this cycle... I am just waiting for AF to come now to start the next round of Clomid.

P4 Levels are back...

2008-03-06T16:15:00.003-05:00

I did O this month... my P4 was 26... which is much better than last month. It seems they also did a Beta at 7DPO... and it was negative. I barely got off the phone before I started crying... I don't know if its too soon for a beta or not, but its so discouraging. My eyes are stinging and I just want to curl up in a ball... this sucks!!

I had messaged DH before my doctor called and asked him to pick me up some ice cream and cookie dough... I am having a rotten week and now an even more rotten day... I need to cheat on my diet tonight and indulge in my favourite treats.

:( Feeling down today.

2008-03-05T09:51:00.003-05:00

I went for my P4 test yesterday- I didn't get my normal lab tech, instead I got this BRUTAL woman who left me with a fantastic bruise!! I will call my doctors office this afternoon to see what the results were... I am guessing the levels will be high because my temps are way up. I am also unbelievably tired- and this generally happens when my progesterone levels are high.

I am also really emotional this week, it is driving me crazy!! I spun out on my way to work yesterday and a big truck almost hit me... I started screaming and crying in the car, I then called DH and told him I couldn't do this drive again next year- we had to move. (I drive an hour to work on back country roads). Today I drove in through a snow storm to get to work for a few meetings- and when I got here they all got cancelled... I was not impressed at all!! I haven't been feeling too great this week, bad stomach pains Monday, and then yesterday and again today my back is killing, only on my right side, but its bad- I slept with a hot water bottle last night. I have had the burning feeling behind my eyes that I am about to cry all week too- I watched a tv show last night and bawled like a baby- its rediculous!!

I talked to a friend this morning that I haven't talked to in awhile, he was saying him and his wife don't see much of me anymore... I know this is true, because I haven't been calling them really... They have 2 kids now- a 2 year old and a baby that's a few months old... it is hard to see them and hang out with them- they started trying for #2 awhile after we started trying and boom... just happened for them... its tough! A few of our friends have kids now- and they are all adorable and wonderful, and I love to see them, but I feel so sad after too!

My birthday is coming up, 27... My goal when DH and I got married was to have a baby or be pregnant by my 27th birthday... Its not looking too promising :( DH is having a birthday party for me on Easter weekend, it should be fun, and I am looking forward to it... but I found out today our friends are all bringing their kids- which is fine, I just hope I don't get sad or upset that day. And its not like I can ask our friends not to bring their kids, especially because a few of my aunts are invited and I am sure they will bring their kids- which is fine with me- I love seeing my little cousins... its just different with my friends and their kids... not sure why, it just is. I know that makes no sense!

Well I should get back to work... just needed to get my thoughts/frustrations out!

I Did O... now 3DPO

2008-02-29T08:41:00.002-05:00

I am in the 2ww... after the temp spike on Wednesday I had another HUGE spike today... so I definitely O'd. I will go in on Tuesday for my 7DPO P4 test to see how good it was.

Let the 2ww begin... test date is on March 13th, I will never last that long!

I think I O'd...

2008-02-27T09:36:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I had the most positive OPK I have ever had- the line went dark right away- and stayed WAY darker than the control line... I also had all the other symptoms and even a dull achy pain on my right side. Then this morning my temp spiked... I hope it stays up!! I really hope this month is the month... my birthday is coming up and it would be amazing... we could tell our parents at Easter and then the rest of our family and friends on mothers day... it would be perfect. I do this every month- picture when we would tell people and how... I guess it gives me something to look forward to.

I have also had a few baby dreams lately... which hasn't happened in a long time! I went into babies r us on Friday to get a gift for my cousin's first birthday- and I ended up wandering around thinking and looking at all the cribs, playards, strollers and clothes... I saw a few couples there planning their registry, and I wanted so bad for that to be me! Needless to say I left a little bit sad.

Not too much to update...

2008-02-21T10:40:00.002-05:00

Well it is cycle day 10 and the Clomid seems to be working... well at least the side effects are very prominent, lol. I got a positive OPK last night- the test line was much strong than the control line. Seems really early though- that was just day 9. My first cycle on Clomid I O'd on day 11... so who knows! I really hope this cycle works, as I do every cycle, but its my birthday next month and it would be really really great to already be pregnant and not spend my birthday wishing I was!

I started last night with a personal trainer at my gym... and I got my butt kicked... worked out so hard it hurts to walk today! I feel great though... my weight loss is going so good, almost 30lbs now, still more to go, but I am feeling pretty good! Now I just want to get toned and work on a few key areas!! Weight loss is supposed to help with PCOS as well... so fingers crossed!!

Smiles :)

I hate CLOMID!

2008-02-16T21:41:00.003-05:00

I can officially say I hate Clomid... it is kicking my ass (pardon the language).

This month the side effects have stared on Day 3 of clomid... as opposed to day 7.... and WOW are they beating me up! I feel naseous and kinda light headed, I am very emotional and am already having extreme hot flashes! I know all of these are "normal" side effects, but really they are not normal!!

I am trying to stay positive, trying to hope and pray for the best, but its not easy!!

I am very thankful for my great friends and family who help me stay positive and get me through this!

Thats all for now :)
Thanks!

AF arrived... Clomid didn't work last cycle :(

2008-02-12T09:22:00.000-05:00

I woke up yesterday morning and my temp had dropped. I tried to stay positive b/c I had no other AF symptoms. I got a call from my doctors around lunch saying my beta from Friday was negative... I called back to ask about my P4 level and she called me later in the evening. I had my worst level yet... 10... What the hell?? The Clomid didn't work at all last month! They have increased my dose to 150mg and will monitor my levels this month... if it doesn't work again I am not sure if they will increase again or if she will stop the clomid.

I took a long hot bath when I got home last night and as soon as I got out I was doubled over in cramps... and they still haven't let up. Even my prescription meds are not helping ease them- I just want to curl up in a ball. I thought they were bad before, but since starting clomid they are 100x worse.

Well I have to get back to work, I will update again once I start my Clomid on Thursday... happy freaken Valentine's Day.

Feeling a bit better...

2008-02-08T10:59:00.000-05:00

It’s been just over a week since I last wrote, and I guess I am in a better mood. I had a really good week... Work has been going great; my friends have been amazing... especially some of them! I went to my good friends wedding and it was wonderful! I also went to see Rascal Flatts last night and that was incredible!

I am trying really hard to genuinely get out of this funk... not just to pretend I am happy... I really want to be happy! I talked to someone very special to me last night and she shared a bit about how she felt when she was having trouble having a baby... it really helped me open my eyes to some things. It will happen... I just don't know when or how yet. I am really working hard at focusing on the positive and not only the negative.

I am also in the 2ww... FertilityFriend says I O'd a few days later then I think I did... but that’s ok... regardless I am in the 2ww and trying not to obsess over any "symptoms". I went for my p4 and a beta last Thursday incase I O'd the week before- and I called my doctors office Tuesday for the results and they are apparently closed this week. So I am going for another series of tests this afternoon. When I was at the lab last week the tech, who now knows me by name, gave me a frequent card- its a little card with the barcodes identifying the tests I get regularly... now I don't need to bring in a requisition paper, just show my card, they scan it, take my blood, and I am on my way... How sad that it has some to me getting a frequent tester card, lol.

Hope everyone has a good weekend, and thanks again for reading.

Sad :(

2008-01-31T08:45:00.000-05:00

Today I am just sad... lately I have had more and more days like this, and I hate it! Its like I am in a funk and can't get out of it! My eyes are constantly burning with tears behind them and I cry everynight in the shower... I hate it! and I hate putting up a front so people think I am happy and strong... I am not happy or strong... I am miserable and scared, emotional and tired... so tired of all of this!! I can't concentrate at work and my mind constantly wanders!

At acupuncture last night I was trying to visualize, as I have been taught, and I couldn't do it... this has been happening more and more lately... I am scared... I can't picture myself pregnant or having a baby. Everyone around me seems to be able to picture it and they all seem so confident.

I am trying to keep busy, running errands, seeing friends, volunteering, babysitting.. anything... as soon as I stop or start to think too much I get upset! I can't sleep, I am not hungry, I am not happy :(

I hope I get out of this funk soon... I have to!

No idea whats going on!

2008-01-30T08:26:00.000-05:00

Its been a few days since I last blogged, nothing new has really happened! I have NO idea if I actually O'd and/or when... I have had positive OPK's and other symptoms at 2 different times... so no idea... I don't even know when to go in for my P4 this month.... it is so confusing! I am going to call my doctor and fax over a copy of my chart and see what she says...

I am getting really sick of planning my life in 2 week increments... I feel like I can't commit to doing things far in advance because I might be O'ing then, or might need to be going to my doctors for an ultrasound or for a P4... it is so frustrating!!

I really think if this doesn't happen by May I am going to need to take a few months off and just relax... not have to chart daily, not use OPK's, no blood tests or ultrasounds, no 2ww... It's been way too long doing all those things with no break...

On another topic... one of my very best friends is getting married this weekend!! I haven't been this excited about going to a wedding since my own!! I am so excited for her and can't wait to see her get married!!!

Update from Next Steps appt...

2008-01-24T19:49:00.000-05:00

I went to my "next steps" appointment today, it went well! My doctor has decided to up my Clomid to 150mg as I wasn't responding to the last dose as well as she would like to see. She did warn me that my side effects will get worse and that the chance of cysts increases... as does the chance of multiples!! I also asked about the metformin and the side effects and I mentioned the pharmacist recommended an extended release pill... she happily switched me to that! She was also really pleased with my weight loss- 17lbs since December!!

I am going to do the 150mg for the next 3 cycles, monitored by my 7dpo P4 levels (progesterone levels 7 days post ovulation). I asked what comes next ifthe next 3 cycles don't work... she said we will meet again May 5th and then take a break cycle followed by some "Non OHIP" options- which means IUI... eeek! We have to save some serious money for that- not a penny is covered by mine or DH's insurance... and I am not sure if the appointments, ultrasounds and blood work for it are covered either... we are looking at about $1000 a month for that.

Well I am off to bake some cookies... :)

Next Steps...

2008-01-23T15:43:00.000-05:00

I have an appointment tomorrow at 1pm to talk about "next steps" if this cycle of clomid doesn't work! I am really nervous to see what they are... I have a feeling she is going to tell me I have to switch to an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist)... and there are not too many around here. This is going to mean more monitoring and more tests... ugh!! I don't know what will come next... will it be injectables? IUI? I guess I will find out tomorrow!

I am starting acupuncture again today... so excited!! I miss how it made me feel, so relaxed!! It is at a new place, so I will update in my next entry how it went!

:) Wish me luck tomorrow :)

I think I O'd...

2008-01-23T08:34:00.000-05:00

I didn't have a clear thermal shift like I normally do... but fertility friend says I O'd 3 days ago... for any experienced charters please take a look at my chart and let me know what you think....

Happy Wednesday :)

A Letter to my Sisters

2008-01-22T10:28:00.000-05:00

Someone posted this on the nest and it really hit home, I wanted to share it with any readers who are going through the same thing!

Infertility is like a party- a big, year or two long party that no one really wants to go to. In fact, it is a pretty lousy party, not much fun at all. But by the time you get the invitation, you are already there. Perhaps it is your doctor that gives you the invitation, or a specialist, or perhaps just plain old time that gives you the nudge that this is one party you won’t be missing.So we all show up at this party kicking and screaming. But since this party is held in our honor, we wipe our tears and look around the room. We see our mothers, our aunts, our sisters, and the lady down the street. The check-out lady is there, and so is the attorney, the school principal, and the taxi driver’s wife. When we see them at first we are surprised- “I didn’t know you were invited too…” we say. But when we start to talk with them and learn their stories we know instantly we are sisters, and that their grief is our own, and that we aren’t quite so alone.This party is filled with sisters. My mother and perhaps yours too, was at this party once. So were many friends of mine. I am always humbled by seeing how many sisters I have here. Even as sisters leave, new ones come to take their place. I spent a long, long time there before it was my turn to leave. You too will leave this party someday.There are parting gifts at this party, but most of us are so glad to leave when our time is up that we just throw them in our purse and forget they are there. Then one day, while we are looking for something else, we dig out a little box. Oh yes, our gift. We were looking for what to say to a sick friend, or perhaps how to handle some adversity that came our way and we found this little box in the bottom of our bag. We open it slowly, and there inside we find it. Endurance. Strength. Compassion. We were strong, and once walked through the fire she has made us stronger still. We have endured what would have once broken our hearts, devastated us, and come through with a strength that will not easily be silenced. And compassion. Our hearts have grown and now we can, without judgment, embrace each other in ways we couldn’t before. We know the true meaning of kindness, and the value of compassion. We see humanity, for all it’s sadness and all it’s emptiness, and we can’t do anything but wrap our arms around her in a warm, full embrace. We understand each other’s sorrow, and we share our strength.And so My Sister, stay strong. I understand how hard some days are, and I know how deeply you want this to end. Please know that it will, and that you do have the strength to endure this. You will. You will move forward because you desire this more than anything in your life. You will conceive, or you will adopt, or you will foster children. You will someday leave this place, this party in your honor, but you will remain a Sister forever.

Side Effects...

2008-01-21T13:06:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had a kind of freaky side effect, I was seeing white spots in my eyes... I couldn't focus on things at all. It went away after an hour or so, I laid down with my eyes closed. But it really freaked me out a bit. I have an appointment Thursday with my dr... so I will mention it then. If it was still happening today I would have called, but it seems to have stopped. All I have today is slight cramping, nausea, and hot flashes... not too bad! Maybe they are O pains?? I got a positive OPK yesterday, so I am hoping I O today or tomorrow. My temp went up a bit this morning, but nothing big, I think that was just due to lack of sleep- I woke up quite a few times last night!

Also,on a positive note,I weighed myself this morning... and I am down 3 more pounds... thats a total of 17lbs now!!! Wooo Hooo!! I feel really great, and I am starting to not hate my body so much!! I am eating better, much better, cutting out most junk and taking the metformin... I am really happy about the weight loss!!!

Holy Hot Flashes!!

2008-01-16T15:48:00.000-05:00

I am absolutely dying today... the Clomid hot flashes have never EVER been this bad!! I am literally turning red and sweating... nothing helps... I am dying to get out of the office and be outside for a few minutes!! I have seriously had at least 5 really bad hot flashes every hour... They are getting so bad they are making me nauseous and get sick... its brutal!

They have also been really bad at night- i wake up in a sweat and can't fall back asleep!!

I am really hating the clomid...

Still no O... but patiently waiting!

2008-01-16T07:59:00.000-05:00

Last night I went over to my aunts house to watch my 3 little cousins for a few hours... these children are the most adorable kids around-cute, smart and so full of love! Once I put the older 2 girls to bed and finished reading multiple stories I went downstairs with the baby... as soon as I sat down on the couch he curled up on my chest, smiled at me, and fell asleep... he remained in this same position for 2 hours... it was so amazing and sweet... after a little while I started to think and then slowly started to cry... What if I never have this... what if it is never my turn?? When my aunt and uncle arrived home we sat and talked about how amazing the kids are and they were telling me they didn't think they could love anyone as much as they do their kids- I can't wait to feel that... I already have so much love for a baby we don't even have yet! When I got in my car to leave and pulled off their street I started to cry again... I was so full of emotion and so scared. These are the nights that I wouldn't get through if it wasn't for my closest friends and my husband... thank you!

2008-01-11T11:52:00.000-05:00

I knew that there were changes coming to the health benefits at work and I was hoping and praying that they would start to include fertility stuff... well I just got the email... and... They have extended the contraceptive coverage- to include just about any way you can think of to PREVENT pregnancy... but they haven't touched helping you get pregnant... this makes me sooo mad!!!

The only good change is that they have now increased the paramedical coverage to include acupuncture... I had stopped back in the summer because of the cost, and the horrible lady who did my acupuncture... i might look into it again, with a doctor that supports acupuncture in conjunction with western medicine.

2008-01-10T19:26:00.000-05:00

I am finally home from the UK... the trip was good... but it was a bad week to go!! Some advice to other clomid users- do not fly when on clomid- I had more brutal hot flashes than normal and I was sooo grouchy... to top it off I hardly slept at all this past week!

Now I am home, on the couch, and feeling so horrible! I have a headcold, an upset stomach and I am so far beyond tired that I keep crying...

I didn't chart while I was away this week and I took my last Clomid pill this morning... I will start temping again in the morning and will start with the OPK's on Saturday :)

2008-01-07T15:37:00.000-05:00

I don't know how much more I can handle the Clomid... I am really loosing it this month. The jet lag can't be helping the emotions... but I know it is mostly the stupid clomid... I have heard people refer to them as the "Clomid Crazies" and I totally get it! Not only am I emotional, but the metformin is really making me sick again... it seemed to stop for a bit... but this past week it is back BIG TIME! I am aslo getting wicked hot flashes... they are worse than ever!! If I don't get some positive results and my Dr says to continue with the Clomid I am really considering taking a break month... but i don't know!!!

I am so emotional and keep getting all teary... Thank God for some amazing friends and my wonderful DH for keeping me smiling... I love you guys!! I couldn't get through any of this without you guys.... you mean the world to me!! Ah... now I am all teary again, lol.

2008-01-06T07:27:00.000-05:00

Here we go again...

I started Clomid again this morning... I believe I this will be my last, or second last cycle on it if its not successful... I am meeting with my doctor at the end of January to look at more invasive options if it doesn't work!

I am sitting in the airport now waiting to board- I am heading to the UK until Thursday for work... this should be an interesting flight... I am crampy, tired, AF is here and I woke up with a cold- runny nose, coughing, sneezing and achy... Not looking forward to this!!! I just hope I don't get any hot flashes on the plane- I turn all red and sweaty when I get them- and they last ALL month now- and get really bad at the start of my cycle...

Have a great day!

2008-01-03T08:50:00.000-05:00

AF arrived... no need for a beta tomorrow. I will start Clomid on Sunday :(

2008-01-02T18:52:00.001-05:00

Doctors office just called... my progesterone level at 9DPO was 50!! That's great!! I have got a few BFN's so far and still no AF... so my doctor wants me to in for a quantitative beta Friday if I don't get AF by then- its unlikely it will be positive... but we need to make sure!

2008-01-02T14:59:00.000-05:00

New Year... New Start!!

I have made a few important new years resolutions this year... I am going to stop letting what people say and do bother me... I am going to stop listening or caring when people bug us about when we are going to have kids! I am going to try hard not to get upset every time i see a pregnant person or hear that someone else is pregnant!! I am also going to stop watching a baby story and all shows like it... why torture myself!

This is going to be my year... I am going to stay positive and be happy!! I have so much to be thankful for, I just need to remind myself of that! I have the most wonderful friends and family a girl could ask for... I have friends that will listen to me complain and cry about everything and they are so supportive - I am going to try hard not to do that so much- I will be strong this year!!

2007-12-31T13:51:00.000-05:00

Happy Shitty New Year to me!! I am so over 2007....

I tested this morning with hopes of surprising DH with the good news at midnight... but instead- I got a BFN... on a saveontests and First Response test...

DH went out to get me a greasy lunch and then I am going to get ready to go out tonight... I am going to drink tonight and try my best to have fun. I will wait for AF to come, start the clomid, and pray that 2008 gets off to a good start!

Happy New Year everyone... thanks for reading!

2007-12-30T10:37:00.000-05:00

I am lying on the couch feeling extremely lazy and sad today... but I need to get out of my house- or I am going to sit here and think... I am going to over analyze every symptom or non symptom I have, and I am going to stress over testing tomorrow or Tuesday and seeing a BFN. I cheated and tested early a few days ago, but I knew it was too early- and I got a very clear BFN.

I found out recently that a friend is pregnant after trying for one month... I am happy for her, but am hurting so bad at the same time... why couldn't that be me... why do I have to go through all this shit every month and have each one end with a BFN... when will it happen for me?

I am going to shower and figure out something to do today!

2007-12-26T09:35:00.000-05:00

Christmas is over... almost! We have one more dinner tonight with my dad's family- but its smaller than the others. I got through it ok... It was rough, and I was pretty quiet Christmas Eve and Day... it didn't help that my stomach keep getting upset and I was extremely, abnormally tired... I would then lie down to relax for a bit, I would start thinking, and then get emotional.

There were so many baby comments I couldn't believe it... our families know about our situation and it still doesn't stop them... On Christmas eve I was holding a cousins baby and everyone was asking when I would be holding my own, and then FIL was holding the baby and he made his way over to me and kept saying how good holding a baby looked on him and he wants to be holding a Grandchild soon! And then at midnight mass I saw some teachers from my high school and they were asking me when I was going to get pregnant. This all just adds to the comment that I got Saturday when someone said "Oh wow, Your expecting".... and when i asked expecting what she said "Aren't you pregnant".... I couldn't believe it- I was so embarrassed and close to tears- I wasn't even wearing a shirt that could make me look pregnant- I had a fitted cute sweater on!

I am lying on the couch this morning with a stomach ache and have some how come down with a cold overnight... I am also feeling nauseous and don't want to eat....I think I will be one of the few people who will loose weight over the holidays this year!!

I am glad Christmas is over for the most part... just want New Years to be over and to start 2008... with hopes that it is much better than 2007!!

2007-12-22T12:10:00.000-05:00

Officially in the 2ww!

I am very happy that I O'd on CD 17 as opposed to CD 50!! I am supposed to go in for my progesterone test on Christmas Day, but I am not sure if any labs will be open, I might have to go on boxing day.

I don't know why, but I don't have a good feeling about this cycle... and I have a feeling its going to be a bad start to 2008 :(

2007-12-19T15:26:00.000-05:00

2 Lines on an OPK last night!! woo hoo!! This morning I also had elevated an elevated temp!! Woo Hoo!! I am not sure when I should go in for my P4 test... 7 DPO would be boxing day- but I am assuming no labs will be open that day?? I will call my doctors in the morning- they are already closed for today!!

I am also having odd pains in my lower abdomen today- twingey pains on the right side and a dull ache across the whole thing... I asked some girls on the nest what Ovulation pains felt like- and this is pretty much how they described them... they said they feel it more when it is more than one egg releasing... so that could be why I am feeling it more this month than before- who knows!!

2007-12-18T10:48:00.000-05:00

So yesterday was weigh in day, I am trying to only weigh myself once a week... I am down 10lbs in 3 weeks!! I have been eating MUCH better and I feel better for it! I must attribute some of the loss to the metformin... it is forcing me to eat better- I feel like crap when I eat crap... but feel great when I am eating whole grains, fruit and proteins!! I have started drinking lots of Pomegranate Blueberry Juice... apparently the antioxidants will help with everything!! I am also wearing pants today that didn't fit a month ago... wooo hoo!!

Last night I watched my baby cousin for a few hours- he is adorable and so good!! I loved spending time with him... but when it was time for me to drop him back off with his mom I was sad and had a little cry to a sappy song on my way home!

I must say though... I am truly blessed to have such wonderful and supportive friends and such a great husband... I couldn't get through it without you guys... thank you... I don't say it enough!!

Still no O... I really hope it happens before I go away in January!

Back to work now- very busy, stressful week!!

2007-12-16T19:22:00.001-05:00

Still no O... but a very nice weekend!!

A lady on the nest posted this song today, it made me cry... I thought I would share it! Click here to hear the song

2007-12-13T10:22:00.000-05:00

It has been a bad week!!! I have slipped and fallen 3 times on the ice, got stuck going up 2 hills and visited 3 ditches!! BRUTAL... on top of that work has been nuts and I have been working late almost everyday! But I am off tomorrow and leaving here at 3 today, I am heading to Buffalo to go Christmas shopping with some coworkers, we are spending the night and plan on consuming a decent amount of alcohol tonight!!

I am now on CD 12 and am hoping I O earlier than I did last month... the side effects of the Clomid are pretty bad this month, similar to the first month... so I am taking that as a good sign, hopefully I will O soon and strong!! If I do, I will be testing right in the middle of the holidays... that could be really good, or really bad!

I opened my blog up to some friends IRL... for any of you reading, Thank you- It really means alot!

Happy Thursday!!

2007-12-10T19:33:00.001-05:00

I finished my next cycle of Clomid on Saturday and I am really feeling the side effects this month! I am having some horrible hot flashes and feeling really nauseous. I don't have much of an appetite either, which is so odd for me!

I really can't wait for 2007 to be over... I can honestly say it has been the worst year ever! DH and I really thought that when we decided to start actively trying for a baby that it wouldn't be a problem... I thought the irregular periods were just me adjusting to being off the pill and that once we started charting and timing things it would happen right away... How naive! 2007 was a year of bad news and disappointment... being diagnosed with PCOS was just the start...
I don't know what 2008 will bring, but I pray with all my heart and everything I've got that it will bring us a baby... I can't even think about that not happening... I just don't know what I would do... tears are in my eyes right now...

I read something similar to what I have below, and decided to write my own based on it...

I want to be a mom. But I can't. Instead, I'm a mom wannabe. I want to procreate. I want to conceive a child naturally with my husband, in the privacy of our home, with love and passion. But I can't. Instead, I take horrible meds that make fat, bloated, over heated, and nauseous- I get massive cysts that burst and swollen ovaries! I want to have sore breasts and be totally exhausted, then discover that my period is several days late. I want to buy a pregnancy test and pee on a stick. I want to see a second line. I want to cry tears of joy for the news we'd discover. I want to surprise my husband with the news that he is going to be a daddy. I want to see the look on his face. But I can't. Instead, I cry tears of pain every month when it doesn't happen and I cry to my husband, "Why??" and I apologize for being defective, because he is fine. I want to experience morning sickness. I want my hormones to go haywire because I am pregnant not because of all the meds I am on. I want the 'pregnant glow.' I want to have my husband talk to my belly. But I can't. I want to eat for two. I want to schedule my first doctor's visit. I want to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women and know that I am one of them. But I can't. Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever had problems conceiving and if they are taking that little miracle for granted. I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big bellies. I smile at babies that are not mine. I ache from loving someone I've never met. I want to hear the Doctor say, "You're pregnant. Your progress is right on schedule." But I can't. Instead, I hear my well-meaning friends and family say "just relax." Wow! If I had known anxiety was an effective form of birth control, I'd have tried it years ago! I think I just might throw something next time someone tells me to relax. I wanted to surprise my parents with a new grandchild; instead I burdened them with the news that we are having problems conceiving. I want my life to change overnight. I want to read What to Expect When You're Expecting. But I can't. Instead, I read When Empty Arms Leave a Heavy Burden. I want to wear maternity clothes and rub my belly. I don’t want to have to use an elastic to loosen my pants because I am so bloated it hurts! I don’t want to put on 25lbs because of all the meds. I want to monitor the progress. I want to see the ultrasounds. I want to hear the heartbeat. I want stretch marks. I want to watch our baby grow. I want to feel the kicks. I want to be measured. But I can't. Instead, I give hundreds of vials of blood, get poked and prodded and have extremely painful tests. I pray for my eggs to grow and pray they fertilize. I take my temperature and try to interpret every little rise and dip, and how it compares with my temperature pattern last month. I examine every bodily secretion that comes out of my body, hoping and praying for spotting at just the right times, and no spotting at others. I take supplements, eat pineapple cores, pomegranates and blueberries. I wait. I pray. I wait for the one phone call that can make our life better. Or worse. I want to decorate the nursery. I want to childproof our home. I want to shop for adorable, soft, tiny outfits. I want to go to Gymboree. I want to save money for the baby's future. But I can't. Instead, I imagine a crib in the empty room down the hall. I avoid the baby stores in the mall and I spend all my money on fertility meds, ovulation predictor kits and pregnancy tests. I want to be the one to excuse myself to go nurse my baby. Instead, I'm the one stuck at the table with all the husbands. I want to use a car seat. I want to pump. I want to have my baby throw up all over me. I want to change dirty diapers. I want to give baths. I want to watch my husband hold our baby from across the room. But I can't. Instead, I watch him with our cousins and love the way he loves them, but get my heart broken each time I see it. I want to see him love OUR baby. I want to tell my friends about how my baby learned to roll over, or say da-da, or how he took his diaper off and threw it across the room. I want to buy my baby new shoes. But I can't. Instead, we will spend our money on doctor appointments, tests and high tech procedures. We will spend our money on a dream. We may be left with an empty bank account. We may be left with empty arms. I want to share the experience with my pregnant friends. I want to compare symptoms. I want to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. But I can't. Instead, I watch my friends get pregnant quickly. I watch their bellies grow, attend and throw their showers, see their pictures and try to be a good friend. I watch their lives change and our friendships change in front of my eyes. I want my belly to drop. I want my water to break. I want contractions. I want my husband by my side and my family in the waiting room. I want the pushing. I want the pain. I want to hear the cry. But I can't. Instead, I feel a different pain. I hear my own cry. I want to hold our baby in my arms, with tears of joy streaming down our faces. I want the nurses to take a picture of us when our baby is only minutes old. I want to experience the miracle of birth, thinking, "We did it!". But I can't. Instead, I hold my husband in my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our faces and wonder what God's plan is for us and why we have to go through this. I want to pray that one extra special blessing be added to my life. And I do. I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer to God and hope that this time He answers. I pray that someday soon, He will give it to us. I want to be a mom. --- But I can't. Instead, I praying for a change in status from a mom wannabe . . . to the mom I want to be.

2007-12-02T21:29:00.000-05:00

Cycle Day 1... I am starting a new cycle and I am praying it will be shorter than the last- 55 days is way too long! I will start Clomid again on Dec 4th and will continue with the metformin! I don't know if I can handle a BFN around Christmas or New Years... it would be devastating! I am praying long and hard that this cycle will be our miracle!

2007-12-01T13:36:00.000-05:00

11DPO- cramps and spotting :(

2007-11-30T10:37:00.000-05:00

BFN @ 10 DPO :(

I got a BFN this morning with my FMU.... I am at 10 DPO today... my temp dipped at 8 DPO. I don't know how reliable the test was, this is my first cycle using the Internet cheapies from saveonetests.com... I don't know how sensitive they are!

I have not really been reading into any symptoms and for some reason I don't have too much hope this cycle. I have been really down this whole cycle, can't seem to get happy... I feel like crying every time I think about still not being pregnant... everyone else I know who has been trying is already pregnant... and it happened so easy for them :(

Today is just a very sad day... luckily DH could sense how down I am and we are going on a little date tonight... he was away all week on training and only came home last night... I am really looking forward to it, dinner and my choice of a movie!

2007-11-28T16:46:00.000-05:00

I O'd on CD 44... 7DPO Progesterone at 13.9. I just got the call from my doctors office... she said it was a weak ovulation, but I did O... she also said that last cycles progesterone level of 77.9 was most likely caused by the large cysts I had.

Its 8 DPO now and I am really trying hard not to look into every "symptom"... This is our last chance at a 2007 BFP...

2007-11-23T09:37:00.000-05:00

Finally I O'd- I am in the 2ww.

That is all I have to say today, just so glad to finally be in the 2ww.

2007-11-16T16:03:00.000-05:00

I had an absolutely horrible night last night! The day started off so good, I was in such a good mood and so excited for a concert at night. The company I work for rented out the ACC in Toronto for a private surprise concert, turns out it was Van Halen and The Tragically Hip. DH and I met some of my coworkers in Toronto, about an hour from where we live. I started feeling ill on the way down, just a stomach ache. By the time we got to the restaurant I had to run to the bathroom to get sick, the pain in my abdomen got worse and worse and I couldn't stop getting sick... DH and I decided there was no way I would make it through the concert so we got back in the car and headed home. Once in the car the pain got so bad I was getting sick in a bag and bawling. We decided to try to get home and go to the hospital in town... DH drove so fast all the way and we made it in record time- me curled up in a ball the entire drive. Once we got to the emerg and I was triage I had x-rays done, a urine sample completed and blood tests... the pain started to ease and they let me go home... the doctor said that he thought it was a cyst that burst... they couldn't be sure until the morning when I could have an ultrasound. I went back this morning first thing and had a pelvic, abdominal and internal ultrasound... the doctor reviewed everything and said he is 99% sure it was a cyst bursting on my right ovary... he said there are multiple cysts and extra fluid. I am pretty sore today- just really achy on my right side.

I could not believe the pain I was in... I have felt nothing like that before!

It also happened with pretty bad timing... aside from the missed concert my aunt is going out of town this weekend and I am watching her 8 month old son until Sunday night- I picked him up this morning! AND... when I finally got home last night I did an OPK and it was positive... can you believe it... I for sure was not doing any BD'ing last night... and tonight we have the baby... I am going to have to put his playard in the spare room or the hall, hahaha.

Happy Friday!

2007-11-12T21:22:00.001-05:00

Today was just a bad day... I have a cold, sore throat, I was nauseous, and very emotional, It hit me all at once! I was sitting at my desk working away and all the sudden I felt horrible- I got so emotional because I was feeling so sick- tears started running down my cheeks at work! I emailed my boss, let her know I was feeling horrible and I left. As soon as I got in the car I lost it, I started sobbing, uncontrollably! I called DH and had him so worried, he thought I was in some kind of an accident or something... I felt really bad after. It took me just under an hour to get home and when I finally did I crashed on my bed- cried myself to sleep and my puppy curled up beside me. My mom called later to see if I was ok- my best friend had called when I was driving and she was worried and called my mom... my mom proceeded to ask if I could be pregnant- i almost yelled into the phone that I wish that was why I was feeling so shitty and emotional, but its trying to get pregnant that is doing this to me!

I am so sick of feeling sick and so sick of all of this shit...

I was so happy when DH got home, he made me chicken soup and cuddled with me on the couch... he is wonderful! I am really trying to look at all the positives- DH and I have got so close because of all this IF stuff, he is the most wonderful man!

oh... and still no O :(

If I don't get it soon I am going to call my Dr and get some prometrium to get the next cycle started- this is ridiculous!

2007-11-08T15:51:00.000-05:00

I read this in someone's blog and so many of them really hit home! It really made me think how much my life has changed over the last year.

You Might Be Infertile If...
...you'll do anything to fight the urge to sneeze because you're afraid your ovaries might explode. ...you're having hot flashes before you're 30.
...the word "relax" actually makes you more tense.
...your crotch has seen more action from an RE [reproductive endocrinologist] than your DH [dear husband].
...you're afraid to go "number two" after an IUI [Intrauterine Insemination] for fear of pushing out the spermies.
...when you go to the obgyn you don't have to use the calendar when they ask you the date of your last period.
... you shave your legs for your RE appts but not for your DH.
... you know the pharmacists by name.
... you can't plan anything in advance because it might be CD3.
... you take more medications than your parent or grandparents.
... the thought of the holidays makes you nauseous for fear of inevitable questions and yet another pg announcement.
... it's "if" this or that works and not "when" it will work.
... you refuse to paint the future nursery for fear of jinxing yourself.
... you cried on Halloween seeing all those adorable costumes on the little one's and their pg mothers.
...your DH has seen ultrasounds of your uterus and ovaries. (Is it bad that he thought the ultrasound wand looked like a giant joystick?!?!?!).
...you know what ovary likes to ovulate better than your RE and the nurse that does your u/s every month.
...you have more drugs than a heroine addict.
...you have lengthy discussions about the status of your cervical mucus.
...you are frequently violated with a huge plastic wand -- by your nurse.
... you speak to your RE in T-TTC acronyms.
...your husband doesn't think it's weird when you stand on your head after sex because who knows -- this might just be the ONE time you could get pregnant without the help of a team of specialists.
...KY is banned in your household as it kills sperm.
...you have forgotten what spontaneity is.
...your husband is tired of masturbating in clinics and complains about friction burns from having to do it too often (bad, I know!).
...you actually get excited over shots.
...when someone says what day is it to day and you start to answer CD [cycle day] whatever and have to catch yourself.
...you DH knows more about the your monthly cycle than your primary care Dr.
...everytime you go to the bathroom you check CM [cervical mucus].
...you live you life 2 weeks at a time.
...you met your insurance deductible for the year....in your first month of testing with the RE.
...when you'd rather have an internal u/s RATHER than have bloodwork done.
... if you remember special events by what day of your cycle they fell on!
...when you see the letters IF, you think "infertility" and not "if".
...if you have forgotten a CD is also an actual object containing music, or a type of investment, and not just a date.
...if you walk around work grabbing your boobs like it's no big deal and the guy in your department starts winking at you.

2007-11-05T10:16:00.001-05:00

Not too much to report today, I upped my Metformin yesterday, I am now taking one pill at lunch and one at supper. I feel horrible this morning- very nauseous! Some good news is that I have lost 5lbs since starting the met a week ago- and I didn't change what I was eating too much- I lowered the white carbs because they tend to make me feel a little worse.

I hosted a couples baby shower on Saturday- it was nice! It was a lot of work, but I think the couple it was for were very happy and grateful!

I am still debating going to DH's 16 year old cousins baby's baptism- I have to let my MIL know this weekend! I really don't want to go- we are not even invited to the church- just to the party after- and they have rented a hall... it seems a little large to me! I know none of this is the babies fault- but like i have said before- everything has been handed to them on a silver platter and there have been no repercussions for not telling anyone that they were pregnant. My in laws are so happy there is a baby in the family and that this is the first great grandchild for my MIL's parents. I don't know what I should do, DH thinks we should go... but that means we have to buy them another gift! Things are tight with Christmas coming and saving for all the IF stuff... Anyone have any thoughts on what I should do??

Oh, and still no O!! Will it ever come?

Happy Monday everyone!

2007-10-28T20:20:00.000-04:00

Today is not a good day, I am an emotional wreck! It was my cousins baby shower- and I love them dearly- I was very happy to be there, I made the baby a blanket and I was lucky enough to get in some cuddle time while I fed her. Then it came time for the gifts to be opened, my job was to write what was given on the inside of the cards- the gifts were all so cute- and I found myself almost tearing up- I was wishing I had a little bundle of joy and that my house was full of all of these things. I also had to answer so many questions about when DH and I were planning on having kids- all of my cousins that are my age are married and have at least 1 baby... some are even on #2... I am the only one with none :(

I also started my metformin today- and my tummy is feeling kinda upset... I took it right after supper- just one today! I will build up to 3 a day over the next 2-3 weeks. The benefits sound really good... but I am a little nervous about the side effects!

I haven't O'd yet, but the line is getting darker on the OPK's... not quiet as dark or darker than the reference line, but it is getting there! DH and I are trying to BD almost every day... I don't want to miss any chances!!

I am really not looking forward to the upcoming week- its going to be so busy- some things in a good way, some things not so much! I am heading to my aunts house tomorrow to carve pumpkins with my little cousin and god-daughter- I am really looking forward to that- they always put me in a good mood... and my aunt is wonderful- I can talk to her about anything and everything!

I hope everyone has a great Monday- and I will update again soon!

2007-10-25T15:04:00.000-04:00

I just got back to work from my follow up appointment with my doctor. She said I am reacting well to the Clomid, which I already knew. And she thinks I am just ovulating a little late this month- which it totally normal she said! She seemed impressed that I know so much about PCOS and my own condition- she liked how much I was trying to take control of the situation and how detailed my charts are!

We talked about the Clomid and the side effects, as well as how I am feeling in general. I told her I am really tired, getting wicked hot flashes and constantly feel bloated and fat. I eat good, exercise, and am still gaining weight- I am also breaking out- so I pretty much just feel gross and feel like there is nothing I can do about it!! She decided to try me on Metformin- see how I react to it and if it makes any difference. She told me I might feel sick for the first while I am on it, but to gradually increase my dose to 3 times a day. She is also sending me for a 2 hr glucose test tomorrow. I have to be at the lab by 8am and I have to fast for 8-10 hours before! I am not diabetic and I thought that only diabetics were perscribed metformin... I am going to do a little bit of research on this- if anyone reading has any knowledge about this I would love it if you would share!!

I will update after my glucose test tomorrow and my first metformin pill- which I can only take after I get the test done!

Still no O

2007-10-24T20:37:00.001-04:00

I am waiting, not so paitently to ovulate... Why haven't I?? Last month on the same dose I ovulated on day 14... I am now on day 17 and still nothing- not even a positive OPK.

So we recieved the invitation to my DH's 16 year old cousins babies baptism... they are inviting the entire family- I bet about 80 people- and they rented a hall... I can't believe it! I don't think DH and I would even have a party that big!

Today was a pretty crappy day... I got a speeding ticket on my way home from work and my cookies didn't turn out- both of those things added to a really long day and to top it all off I am getting a cold!

Tomorrow I have a regular follow up with my OBGYN... she just wants to know how things are going and to review all of my charts!

I will update again soon!

2007-10-17T19:52:00.000-04:00

Sorry its been so long since my last post! Last week was very busy at work and I wasn't feeling the best! I took 100mg of Clomid on cycle days 3-7 and it hit me a little harder than normal this cycle. I got a few really bad headaches and some horrible bloating!

My weekend was better than the rest of the week! I went Oktoberfesting again on Saturday night with friends, but I let DH drink, I was the DD. I actually had more fun sober, haha! Sunday I spent the day shopping with my mom- it was so nice! She bought me a few outfits- it was so sweet of her!

This week so far has been going ok! I am just waiting to get a positive OPK so DH and I can get busy!

I hope everyone is having a great week! I will post again when I O!

2007-10-08T12:43:00.000-04:00

After a fun weekend of Oktoberfesting and family time I am now curled up in my bed with cramps :( I guess I am ready to start cycle 2 with Clomid. Since my progesterone level was so high we know the clomid did what it was supposed to, so we just have to do a little more BD'ing this month and hopefully it will happen!!

After getting my BFN on Friday I went Oktoberfesting with my friends and had a fantastic time! We went to the best German club in the Kitchener-Waterloo area to the largest Oktoberfest celebration around- it was great! Tons of beer, schnitzel, pretzels and polka! Great fun was had by all- until the ride home, lol. It was really nice to get out and just forget about things! We are heading out again next Saturday for more festing!

Saturday was kind of a blah day- I was pretty sick in the morning, but then we went to DH's parents house for our Thanksgiving dinner- steaks, lol. It was nice. When we got home I got a sad message on my facebook. Friends of ours who were set to get married in January have called off their wedding- they didn't day why- he was just messaging me to let me know his now ex fiance wouldn't be able to help me with the baby shower we are supposed to be co-hosting in a few weeks... the invites went out the day before- and they say co-hosted by the 2 of us! Now I am throwing it alone- oh well... I just hope the 2 of them either work things out, or are happier this way!

Sunday DH and I went to my aunt and uncles to celebrate Thanksgiving with my mom's side of the family- we are really close to everyone in this family and see them all at least a few times a month and talk all the time! We are very lucky to have a family this close! But the day did have some not so great points- I lost track of how many times the baby question came up- and they all know we are having trouble- but that doesn't stop anyone- sometimes it takes all I have not to break down and cry.

Tonight we are headed to my Dad's parents house, "the farm", for our big Thanksgiving dinner- I can't wait- the dinner is always to die for! Also, my cousin who I am the closest in age to just had a baby- well his wife did- and she is adorable- I can't wait to hold her again!

Well I am going to take a nap and hope these cramps go away a little bit before we head to my Grandparents!

Happy Thanksgiving to all the Canadians!

2007-10-05T13:40:00.000-04:00

BIG FAT NEGATIVE!

My doctor just called, she sounded so sorry... she said the beta was negative.

DH and I are leaving now to go visit our friends and their newborn, and on the way I need to mail out invitations to a baby shower I am throwing... this is going to be a tough day. Tears are already rolling down my cheeks.

We are going Oktoberfesting tonight- and I can see A LOT of beer being consumed!

Happy Thanksgiving weekend to all the Canadians reading.

2007-10-03T18:40:00.000-04:00

So this week has been quite the roller coaster! After how miserable I was on Sunday and how much by bb's hurt I was feeling pretty positive... I did an HPT on Tuesday morning and got a BFN, I was in such a bad mood all day and felt like crap!

Anyways- I had gone for a progesterone test on Monday morning and my doctors office just called with the results, at 10 DPO my level was 77.9. My doctor said this was fantastic and she is sending me for a beta tomorrow morning!

This is such a rollercoaster! I will update when I get the results!

2007-09-30T20:15:00.000-04:00

I am just miserable tonight!!! Tonight DH and I went to my parents for dinner and I was horribly miserable and snappy- I feel bad for those around me! Us trying for a baby came up, and my sister really pissed me off... she said that this is Gods way of saying its not our time, and we prob don't even really need the meds, that it will just happen one day. She said we shouldn't spend any money trying for kids, it will just happen! It took all I had to not freak out on her!!

On the way home I lost it with DH, I let it all out, how much I want to be pregnant, how much I hate the HPT's, OPK's, charting, everything! I told him he just doesn't get it, its not his fault we are going through this, its mine! Poor guy didn't know what to do or say, as soon as we got home he just pulled me into a tight hug and said it would all be ok!

I am going to try and relax and enjoy some seasons premiers on TV tonight... I really want to blank out and not think about anything tonight!!

2007-09-30T12:23:00.000-04:00

BLAH... that is exactly how I feel today!! I am so emotional and feeling pretty down today! I was supposed to get together with some people to make t-shirts for Oktoberfest, but the person organizing with me didn't feel like doing it today- I kinda got fed up with all the rescheduling and just said forget it to the shirts! I feel really bad, but I am always the one who has to organize and ensure things happen- ALWAYS! No one seems to appreciate it, and I am getting fed up with it! I try to do good things and nice things for others, but you can only do it for so long before you start to feel like people just expect these things- and when you don't do them, they actually get upset! Anyways- I am just going to stop worrying so much about others and start putting myself first for awhile!

I am really lucky to have my best friend, she is wonderful... I know she doesn't understand everything I am going through with IF, but she really tries and she is always willing to listen! She knows how upset I have been getting and how shitty I have been feeling- and today when I was venting on the phone to her she said she was on her way over with a sappy movie and we were going to watch it together this afternoon! Its just what I needed!

I am now 10 DPO and I was feeling so many symptoms- and my temps are looking great! I broke down and used one of my target cheapies, but got a BFN... I am really trying not to loose hope... I didn't test first thing, I had already been to the bathroom 2 times- and its early, and it was a cheapy! I am really praying hard this month- I don't know how much more I can take!!

I hope anyone reading has a great day, and please cross your fingers that it was too early to test!

I hate the 2ww

2007-09-26T18:05:00.001-04:00

I officially hate the 2ww... they are the worst 2 weeks of the whole cycle... considering every little thing a symptom, watching what I eat and drink, watching my temps- waiting for a dip, looking at my CM for any sight of bleeding... I am going crazy!!

I don't know how many times I have googled "symptoms 3 DPO", "4 DPO", "5 DPO".... I think I will seriously put my self in the loony bin!

I am 6 DPO now and if I were to talk about my "symptoms" they are: Very sore bb's, very tired, increased trips to the potty, high temps, headaches, bad skin breakout... and I think thats it! I don't know if any of those are in fact symptoms, but my mind wanders during these 2 weeks!! I am also not sure when I should test... fertilityfriend says on the 6th... I am going Oktoberfesting on the 5th and don't plan on drinking, but I suppose I could test that morning (15 DPO) and drink if its a BFN to cheer myself up after that bad news? I hope its a BFP though!!

I have also found myself comparing charts on fertilityfriend.com - I am sad and pathetic, lol. Speaking of fertilityfriend, I had never ventured onto their community boards before, but today I did and I discovered a group of ladies who all O'd on the same day. They all post their "symptoms" to compare- it fits right in with me over analyzing everything- I can do it with back up now, lol.

Well I have to run, my best friend is coming over for dinner, which I burned and am now making a new meal!

I hope anyone reading has a great day, and if you feel like it, indulge me on any 2ww symptoms you have heard of for people who actually get a BFP at the end!

2007-09-22T22:13:00.000-04:00

I don't have too much to say, I just haven't written in a week! Its been a busy week at work and I have been very emotional this week! DH and I refinished our bedroom- new paint, new dressers and an awesome dressing table!!

Good News... I got 2 days of positve OPK's- Thursday and Friday! DH was feeling horrible Thursday so we didn't do any BD'ing- but we did last night and we will again tonight!

The other reason we didn't do anything Thursday night was that we were babysitting my little cousin- he is 7 months old and soo cute! We had him from 4pm Thursday until 8pm Friday... it was really nice! Although he is teething so he was crying a lot!!

I had a pretty good week and I am ready to start the 2ww... I am really hoping and praying this is it and this month will be our BFP month!!

2007-09-16T21:52:00.001-04:00

I went to see DH's cousins baby... he is adorable! He had low blood sugar, but other than that he is healthy!! They are truly lucky for this as they had no doctors care through the whole pregnancy! Visiting them in the hospital was rough, she is so young and I don't think she has any idea what she is getting into... they are blessed to have the supportive family they do! Her parents are feeling so guilty that she didn't come to them sooner- they shouldn't- they are wonderful and she hid it well!

This weekend was nice- I went away Friday night to visit a close friend- she recently moved 3hrs away and her fiance is away on training- we had a nice visit and it was great to catch up! Saturday and today DH and I worked on our bedroom... since we spend a lot of time in there we thought we should dress it up a little- it had mismatched furniture and painters white walls. It now has dark chocolate brown walls, new dressers and a dressing table and a nice crisp white duvet cover... or at least it will once its all assembled- we plan to finish it tomorrow night!

I took my last Clomid pill on Friday- I must say, it wasn't as bad as I was expecting- I didn't have too many side effects!! I had hot flashes- correction, I STILL am getting hot flashes- they are brutal! But other than that just a headache one day and some slight bloating! I am not sure if I will get more bloated closer to ovulation or if I should expect and others, but if this is it- I can handle that!!

I am now waiting to O, charting my temps and using the ovulation strips... speaking of those strips- they drive me mad- I hate analyzing them- is it dark enough, is it darker than the test line, lighter? I wish it would just say YES or NO!! Oh well!

Wow!!

2007-09-10T21:11:00.000-04:00

WOW... that is all I can say!! My MIL just called me and told me her 16 year old niece is in the hospital... In labour.... No one even knew she was pregnant... she only told her parents because she was having contractions! DH and I saw her a few weeks ago and I told him she looked pregnant, but then we thought no way... she just gained weight! I can't believe this! We don't know if its healthy, if she received any prenatal care, the sex... nothing- I guess we will find out in a few hours when she delivers! I can't help but feel horrible for her mother, she is such a nice woman- and she must feel so horrible now- I can't believe this.

I broke down to DH after I hung up with my MIL... how come a 16 year old high school student can get pregnant so easy and I have to go through all of this!!

I am still in shock!!

Started Clomid today

2007-09-10T14:35:00.000-04:00

I got the call from my Dr about 10am this morning telling me that beta was negative and to start the Clomid. I took my first dose (100mg) this morning... I feel bloated this afternoon, but that could just be from lunch and all the water I have been drinking!!

Like I have mentioned before I am scared to do this, scared of what the side effects will be, but mostly scared that it wont work! I am so scared that we will have to do more than the Clomid, and I am really scared that nothing will work!

I want nothing more than to be a mom.. it seems like everyone around me is getting pregnant... people keep saying its contagious, its in the water... I stick close and don't catch it, I drink the water, and it doesn't work!!

I am having a bad day, I am grouchy and I am tired!! I want today to be over, I don't want to play ball tonight and have to be happy and cheery... I want my bed!! I really just want this all to be over, I want to be a mom!!

BLAH!!!

Next Steps...

2007-09-07T13:15:00.000-04:00

I just got back from my appointment, it was scheduled for 10:50, but she had a delivery and I waiting an hour and a bit in her waiting room with a bunch of pregnant women!! When I finally got in she looked at my charts and notes and said that I didn't have enough lining to start a period, which is why the Prometrium didn't work! She sent me for a Beta to be 100% that I am not pregnant (she is 99% sure I am not) and she decided to start me off on 100mg of Clomid right away, skip trying at 50mg. They will call me Monday morning to confirm I am not pregnant and then I will take my first pill.

I am a little nervous to start the Clomid, more so now that I am starting at 100mg! I read about all of the nasty side effects from the girls on the nest... I really hope they are not too bad!

If any of you have taken it how soon do they start? Are they really that bad??

Have a lovely day everyone!!

2007-09-06T13:01:00.000-04:00

So it has been 16 days since I took my last Prometrium pill and still no AF... I called my doctor on Tuesday and she said to call back if I didn't get it by today... I called back today and she wants me to come in tomorrow to discuss it and the next steps... I have no idea what the next steps are... but I guess we will see tomorrow!!

This week is dragging by!! I am so tired... I almost fell asleep driving home last night, normally the hour commute doesn't bother me, but I was struggling last night!! I can't wait for the weekend! Since I have been so tired lately I haven't been doing much at night, I have been nesting and reading blogs online... I am really enjoying reading other people's blogs- the give me an insight in to how other people deal with things and handle the ups and downs! I hope people reading my blog find it helps them a little as everyone elses help me!

Small Town, Big Fair!

2007-09-02T14:16:00.000-04:00

This weekend was really nice, and busy!! We live in a small town in southern Ontario and there is a BIG fair in town this weekend! I went on Friday with my mom, aunts and little cousins, one of which is my God Daughter, we went on some kiddie rides, played games and ate cotton candy! After that everyone came back to our place for some dinner, drinks and fun! I had a great time!

On Saturday DH and I decided to stay in and relax just the two of us! We got bored just hanging out and watching TV so we went into the city, about 10 minutes from us, and went to the mall to get a game- We ended up wandering into the baby section at Sears and pretended we were shopping for a nursery- we picked out cribs, strollers, car seats and playards- it was kinda fun! DH held my hand pretty tight as we walked away and said he knew it would happen soon! It was so sweet of him- he is the best! I can tell this whole process is started to get to him too- I see how good he is with my little cousins, they absolutely love him and he is fantastic with them!!

Well I am off to the fair again... we are going with my Grandparents today, The Wilkinson's are performing at the fair today- it should be fun- DH and I are going now to hold some seats in the grand stand!! I can't wait to indulge in a caramel apple today, mmmm!!!

Have a great day, and enjoy the holiday tomorrow!!

DH got a new Job!!!

2007-09-02T14:02:00.000-04:00

Good News!!! My DH got a new job, which is definitely a blessing! He switched jobs a few months ago, leaving his uncles garage... he thought he needed a change and switched to repairing fork lifts... well he hated it... the place was a little sketchy and the hours were not guaranteed as he had been told! Well... DH was off sick last Thursday and was browsing through the job ads on the Internet... he came across a place 10 minutes from our house... he was feeling better in the afternoon and decided to drive his resume over. The manager interviewed him on the spot and then offered him the job... more money, health benefits, and more! DH called me when he got home, we talked about it, and he called the guy back and accepted it! He quit his current job the next day, the guy didn't want any notice- so DH starts the new job on Wednesday! I am so happy for him... and selfishly for me too- this job and pay increase will make things much easier on us once we get pregnant and I am on maternity leave!

A bit about me and my journey so far... (LONG- I am sorry)

2007-08-29T12:28:00.000-04:00

OK... So this is my first post and I am not really sure what to write! I guess I will tell you a bit about myself and why I decided to start a blog!

My name is Stef, I am 26, I work in Human Resources and I love to bake!! In May 2006 I married Nelson, the most wonderful and supportive man I have met (although I am sure I will post complaints about him from time to time). We live in a small town in Southern Ontario in the house we had built a few years ago. Last October we adopted our Shih-Poo Mylo, he is adorable and he is our little baby!

Now, why I decided to start a blog... We are trying to have a baby. When we got married we decided that I would go off the pill and we would just see what happened. I got my period regularly for 4 months, and then from August to February I only got it twice! I went through many Home Pregnancy Tests (HPT's) and Blood tests!

January 2007 came and we were not pregnant so we decided we would actively start trying! I went to the doctors for a physical and told him about my irregular cycles and that we were trying to have a baby... he just said that my irregular cycles were from the pill and to come back in a year if I wasn't pregnant! When I went home I thought more about it... and I knew that it wasn't from the pill, it had to be something else. I called the doctors office and asked for a referral to an gynecologist, a specific one (who is an OBGYN). Luckily they said yes, and I was fortunate enough that my aunt and mother knew this OBGYN and I had an appointment for April.

When I went for my initial appointment I was both scared and nervous... I didn't know what to expect! I met with the nurse clinitican first and she took my full medical and family history and looked through all the files, records, notes, etc from my family doctor! She said her guess was Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), but the doctor would talk to me more and they would order some tests. When the doctor came in she was very nice and explained everything very well... she also thought it was PCOS and she ordered a series of blood tests and ultrasounds, as well as a Sperm Analysis(SA). As I was leaving she said to me that lots of people have PCOS and that Infertility is overcome by many couples. This was the first time it hit me... I was considered infertile, this wasn't going to happen easy for us, this was a real problem. I left with a handful of notes, prescriptions, and test orders- I also left feeling very overwhelmed, upset, and scared!

I cried all the way home feeling defeated and scared... I was considered infertile. I went home and looked it up on the Internet, Infertility:The diminished ability or the inability to conceive and have offspring. When my husband came home from work I explained everything to him and I cried some more! I did a lot of thinking that night and over the next few days! If I did in fact have PCOS I was going to learn everything I could about it, and do everything I could to get pregnant and stay positive through this!

Over the next month I had many ultrasounds, blood tests, and a Sonohysterogram (SHG), many of them hurt and were very unpleasant... during my SHG the doctor performing the test said it did look like PCOS! My husband also had to do 2 SA's... which he found very uncomfortable! When I went back to the doctors she confirmed that I did have PCOS and that we had to come up with a plan to get pregnant! She gave me a prescription for Clomid and said she would monitor by blood tests and would adjust the dosage as need be... she would see me in the fall, or before if I was pregnant!

After my first appointment I started charting my temps and learning more about my body. I also read all I could about PCOS... I started following a Glycemic Impact diet and working out... I got my period and saw a visible shift in temps indicating that I ovulated... this happened 2 months in a row... I also started getting acupuncture. I did acupuncture for 2 months and pushed off taking the clomid while I was ovulating on my own! Through this time I experienced a few 2 week waits (2ww- the time between ovulation and the end of my cycle). I started to feel uncomfortable with my acupuncturist, and it was getting expensive- so I stopped!

This August my DH and I went to Cuba with another couple, we had a great time, and we are now back feeling rejuvenated, excited, and ready to start the clomid and hopefully get pregnant! This brings us to now... I waited to get my period after Cuba, it never came, I thought we had gotten pregnant in Cuba... I went for a beta 2 weeks ago and it was a BFN!! My doctor prescribe me Prometrium to bring on my period. I took my last pill last Wednesday, so I am currently waiting... I am ready to start Clomid!!

I am looking forward to capturing my journey in this blog, I hope my journey through infertility isn't long, but what I have experienced so far has made me realize what a miracle life really is! It has also made me more emotional than I was, it has taught me who my true friends are, and I have met many new friends on TTTC board!!

If anyone is still reading- Thank you! and I promise none of my posts will be this long in the future... it is much easier than I thought to put everything into words!!

Talk to you soon!!